havreberg.com

Today’s question: Does writing about not accomplishing anything constitute accomplishing something?

When you can’t finish a post about being unable to finish a post, it is a sad state of affairs.

So I installed this blog software 14 days ago. I wrote a short post about why I installed the blog software, and after a little while started writing a rather long pseudoessay about why I’m an art major and what the point of all this “summer projects” nonsense is, the path I’ve taken to get where I am, and where I’m hoping to go. I say “pseudoessay” because it started out as just a brief introspective thing and turned into several pages I was actually trying to present in a coherent format. I haven’t done much like that for a while. Anyways, I never finished the pseudoessay and this site sat for 14 days untouched. I didn’t make any drawings other than a few quick sketches. I looked at a few of the anatomy books I have and read some stuff about anatomy online. But mostly I just read random stuff on wikipedia and hung out with my compatriots.

Anyone who even knows this website exists probably has already heard me discuss what I’m about to write about next, but maybe now I’ll contribute it to posterity or something. I keep lists of things I need to do, and there is a fair mix of things I “need to do” and things I just kind of want to do. The first impacts someone else or relates to some deadline or financial matter. The second is more closely aligned with the goals of this site: personal development, curiosity, experimentation, etc. Sometimes an item is both important and interesting; for example, school projects need to be done so I can pretend that my life has some iota of direction. In the unique cases of animation, sculpture, and art classes in general, I might be genuinely interested in what I’m doing. This is pretty convenient, as it is motivating, rewarding, and all sorts of other things that make me feel warm and gooey inside.

The point of this discussion of differentiation between “to do” items is the following: to some degree, a natural prioritization order falls into place. Interesting things and personal projects that don’t affect others or that have to do only with my whimsical curiosities take second place to important items that impact others and have actual deadlines or consequences. I sit down in front of my computer. I have a list in front of me or in my head. I know what is most important to do. I know what items on the list are of secondary importance, but that I actually want to do.

A responsible person would quickly take care of the important items. That’s not me. You might think that I would do the things that I want to do, thereby accomplishing something, and eventually find my way to the items that are “more important” after I have satisfied my curiosities or indulged my fancies. But if I engage in these activities that I actually want to do, I feel guilty or become distracted because I know there are more pressing matters to be dealt with. The solution: don’t do anything on the list. Just read things online. For hours and hours and hours. Rinse and repeat.

So I need some discipline or something. I want to go swimming several (or all) days a week after work, and I told myself I wouldn’t go again until I accomplish something. It’s been a week so far. This is kind of like a threat: “Do what you’re supposed to, or you don’t get to do what you want to do.” Interestingly, this directive lumps some things I want to do (and have promised myself I will do and have decided that it will be in my best interest to do) in with things that I “have to do,” possibly taking the fun and reward out of those things being accomplished. But I’m sure that’s a long way off yet.

One good idea might be to limit my meandering wikipedia reading to 2 hours or so a day.

I’m considering changing my schedule so that I work longer hours 3 days a week; as it is I’m working in the afternoons 4 days a week. It doesn’t really seem like mornings off is enough time to get anything done, especially if I oversleep. And if I get something started, I might look at the clock and say “I only have 2 more hours to work on this; that’s not enough time to really get immersed in it and get much done.”

And finally, the most radical idea: drastically cutting back on the amount of time I hang out with my friends. They probably don’t really like me anyway, so what’s the harm?

So what have I done? I’ve wasted time by writing about how I wasted time instead of writing about wasting time. The boy touched the girl with the flower.

My existence isn’t difficult or painful. It’s just ridiculous.

Every once in a while, you should stop wasting time by reading stuff on Wikipedia and read Wired magazine instead.

Dan’s mockery will make me strong and drive me to create. First agenda item: fixing up at least one of my sculptures from last semester. Updates coming soon, I hope.

I hope.

Stuff coming soon. If you’re curious about what stuff, find out what this is all about