havreberg.com

A subtle sense of paranoia is sinking in.

Maybe it’s just a lack of sleep and abnormally high levels of pumpernickel consumption.

I feel alone right now. I am in fact alone, but for some reason I am presently very aware of this. Considering it’s 4:30am, I couldn’t likely expect to be anything but alone, but I feel like I’ve been pushing people away in order to focus on this animation project. Being alone has never been a problem, and I was never troubled when bitter associates speculated I would remain so forever. You might even say I prefer being alone, able to focus on whatever interests me for as long as I see fit. But now that I am actually dedicating some time and effort to this notion and creative pursuit, I am growing increasingly fearful that I will fail. Or that even if I succeed with the project at hand, it won’t be enough. But nothing has ever been enough, and I don’t know that it ever will. And I am still unable to answer the question, “enough for what?”

In addition, I am growing dumber as time passes. Or perhaps my knowledge is just becoming more specialized. I need breadth and depth. I currently have neither.

In case you are wondering, I am aware of the ridiculousness of this post.

And now for the work I should have done five hours ago.

I have gradually destroyed what some have deemed to be my best sculpture from last spring, the sculpey head . I started by correcting a few things that bothered me about it, giving it slightly more realistic lips and nostrils. It reached a point where it was better than the original (not necessarily a difficult task, but a noteworthy one). As I continued to “improve it” by changing some of the proportions, eventually I had ideas of a completely different direction in which to take it. However, realizing the armature underneath wasn’t fit for that task, I decided it would be better to start over completely. I wish I had taken pictures of the intermediate improved stage, because now it is a pile of sculpey bits and ill-arranged aluminum foil, hot glue, and wire. I think next time I make a sculpture I will take greater care in the armature stage. And although this is a friendly reminder of the fleeting nature of things, I think soon I will finally bake my other sculptures so as to avoid the urge to improve/destroy them at a later time.

A shiny new semester looms in front of me. I’m trying not to get my hopes up like last time, but it is difficult. I suppose I will only say that I am optimistic.

From http://www.mlkday.gov/ :
On January 16, 2006, as we celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Martin Luther King Jr. federal holiday, Americans across the country will celebrate by honoring the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Hundreds of thousands of Americans will remember and memorialize Dr. King by participating in service projects in their communities. Together, they will honor King’s legacy of tolerance, peace, and equality by meeting community needs and making the holiday “A day ON, not a day OFF.”

I guess I screwed that one up.