havreberg.com

A subtle sense of paranoia is sinking in.

Maybe it’s just a lack of sleep and abnormally high levels of pumpernickel consumption.

I feel alone right now. I am in fact alone, but for some reason I am presently very aware of this. Considering it’s 4:30am, I couldn’t likely expect to be anything but alone, but I feel like I’ve been pushing people away in order to focus on this animation project. Being alone has never been a problem, and I was never troubled when bitter associates speculated I would remain so forever. You might even say I prefer being alone, able to focus on whatever interests me for as long as I see fit. But now that I am actually dedicating some time and effort to this notion and creative pursuit, I am growing increasingly fearful that I will fail. Or that even if I succeed with the project at hand, it won’t be enough. But nothing has ever been enough, and I don’t know that it ever will. And I am still unable to answer the question, “enough for what?”

In addition, I am growing dumber as time passes. Or perhaps my knowledge is just becoming more specialized. I need breadth and depth. I currently have neither.

In case you are wondering, I am aware of the ridiculousness of this post.

And now for the work I should have done five hours ago.

I have gradually destroyed what some have deemed to be my best sculpture from last spring, the sculpey head . I started by correcting a few things that bothered me about it, giving it slightly more realistic lips and nostrils. It reached a point where it was better than the original (not necessarily a difficult task, but a noteworthy one). As I continued to “improve it” by changing some of the proportions, eventually I had ideas of a completely different direction in which to take it. However, realizing the armature underneath wasn’t fit for that task, I decided it would be better to start over completely. I wish I had taken pictures of the intermediate improved stage, because now it is a pile of sculpey bits and ill-arranged aluminum foil, hot glue, and wire. I think next time I make a sculpture I will take greater care in the armature stage. And although this is a friendly reminder of the fleeting nature of things, I think soon I will finally bake my other sculptures so as to avoid the urge to improve/destroy them at a later time.

A shiny new semester looms in front of me. I’m trying not to get my hopes up like last time, but it is difficult. I suppose I will only say that I am optimistic.

From http://www.mlkday.gov/ :
On January 16, 2006, as we celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Martin Luther King Jr. federal holiday, Americans across the country will celebrate by honoring the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Hundreds of thousands of Americans will remember and memorialize Dr. King by participating in service projects in their communities. Together, they will honor King’s legacy of tolerance, peace, and equality by meeting community needs and making the holiday “A day ON, not a day OFF.”

I guess I screwed that one up.

I uploaded a bunch of stuff to the gallery.

If you know a way to make Gallery2 grab image rotation header info and automatically rotate the images, please leave a comment and share your trickery.

I feel obligated to write something about how things aren’t crappy, considering the grave nature of my last post over a month ago. I dropped the independent study, and I think I’m doing reasonably well in most of my classes (trying to dig myself out of the hole I created in Systems Software).

I have been doing some thinking and talking to people about collaborating on an animation project, which if it pans out should be pretty cool. And in a similar vein, I’m thinking about starting an ‘official’ animation club at school.

But the most pressing matter at the moment (by which I mean important enough for me to have ignored for the entirety of this weekend) is making two identical icosahedra and painting them differently to show the relationship between color/value and perceived form.

And then Thomas and I are doing some crazy assembler stuff for Tuesday.

And the animation project gets off the ground.

Who am I writing this for?

I am resisting writing something overly dramatic about the tragic state of affairs that is my education, plan for the future, and, dare I say, career. The bottom line is that I have had very little time this semester to get my work done, and I have wasted a considerable portion of that time even when it was available. This is most disappointing.

I will probably be withdrawing from two of my five classes, and am somewhat tempted to drop my Computer Science major altogether and just complete my BFA in animation. Sadly, in deliberating my course of action, I find that there is little to be gained in any case.

Plowing ahead with animation to complete my degree will leave me with little more than the proverbial piece of paper and some shoddy work unfit for a demo reel, as well as tremendous gaps in knowledge that would have to be filled for me to have any expectation of seeking gainful employment or creating quality work in animation.

One of the classes I will have to withdraw from is what stands between me and upper division Computer Science courses, so my progress with C.S. would be delayed a whole semester due to this singular class. About a week or two ago, I was contemplating dropping C.S. anyway (before I completely bombed the first test in the class in question) because I am becoming increasingly disinterested in the topic. There are still some aspects that interest me (e.g. theory), and I enjoy my Programming Languages class, but C.S. has largely been the safe, employer-friendly backup major. The idea was, “it’s not very difficult; I might as well just stick with it and finish the program.” But now a large wrench has been thrown in the works that will delay everything. I hate to just give up, believing that I am capable of overcoming this obstacle. I feel like “I’m smart enough to do this.” But the question is, am I interested enough and willing to work at it? If recent events are any indication, the answer is likely “no.”The final decision is yet to be made, but sometimes being able to do something is not a good reason to actually do it. And I am probably overexaggerating, but today a dark shadow of doubt fell over my belief that I can in fact conquer this foe. Far too much figurative language here.

The other class from which I will probably be withdrawing is my independent study sculpture class, which I was eagerly anticipating at the beginning of the semester. The sad truth is that I have had very little time (and probably even less discipline) to work on sculpture on my own, and have fallen behind in the number of pieces I was supposed to have created by this point in the semester. I have two weeks before the withdrawal deadline, and if I can make a few pieces before then and the instructor says that continuing along similar lines can get me a B in the class, I will continue. This is assuming that the pieces I make are actually interesting to me and reflect growth: detailed, anatomically informed, creative and technically accomplished. But if I can’t find the time to make the work I want, or if the instructor says it’s too late to get anything above a C, it will be time to say goodbye to sculpture. As I sit here I am considering moving into the digital realm for these pieces, largely because of the degree of control the medium provides. Unfortunately, there isn’t as much of a sense of immediacy. There are tradeoffs all around. I think I’ll be tempted to spend incredible amounts of time on small details for computer models, whereas physical limitations might cause me to move on sooner in a physical model.

I really want this to work. I just hope I can find the time. I hope I can make the time. And I hope that it leads me down a path of satisfaction, not of worthless credit hours and degrees without experience, knowledge, and quality work to show for my time. I would like to be enrolled in just a few classes for animation each semester, and really put a lot of time and energy into learning the material and creating high-quality work that I’m not afraid to show other artists and employers. Unfortunately, I only have two animation classes left (in addition to several elective art courses), and at UCF, the animation program is pretty much just a Maya software guide. So just about anything awesome I accomplish before my time is up, I will have to undertake myself. If only I have the time.

Many of the pictures are cool, but many of you, my faithful legion of minions, weren’t there and may not appreciate them immediately upon viewing. For this reason, and because of my compulsive drive to never actually get any schoolwork done, I have taken the time to add a few nuggets of ridiculousness and some Wikipedia links in the descriptions for albums and individual photos. However, there are also plenty of bland, informative descriptions, so beware.

I wish I had the time and the memory to say something clever or interesting about each of the photographs I put up. And I wish I knew more about the history of each of the places I visited. But I also wish I had more time to see each of the things I saw, and to see other places, and I kind of just wish I was back over there right now. The moral of the story is: going places is cool, and part of the coolness is just being there. You can’t capture it all and take it home with you.

Lessons from Scotland

1. Nature is awesome.
2. Scotland is awesome.
3. Movie mode is a tricky beast.
4. Granola is a volatile substance.
5. Do not let go of drainage pipes you have climbed while intoxicated until you are securely back on the ground.
6. (corollary to above 3 lessons) I am an idiot.
7. Painting takes time – both to make a single painting, and to develop painting abilities. These are somewhat different from superpowers, which typically set on suddenly after exposure to radioactive substances.
8. Meeting new people can be pretty cool.
9. The world is generally a pretty cool place.