havreberg.com

So in an earlier post, I mentioned that there was no address bar in the incarnation of IE in the school library where I was taking classes for the past two weeks in Scotland. Or at least alluded to this fact[. But I was okay with that, because it was better than nothing, free, and I found a workaround quick enough. But now I am in a hostel in London, paying for time, and this thing… it’s ridiculous. The keyboard is like buttons instead of keys, with quarter-inch spaces between them, and requiring substantially more pressure and concentrated effort to type with any semblance of normal speed. But worse than that is the browser… there’s an address bar this time, but it doesn’t seem to “support” multiple or popup windows. Or Java. And there’s no AIM client… it’s ridiculous. Here I am trying to waste a little time in London and I can’t even do it successfully.

So if any of the my comrades read this and you guys haven’t forgotten that I exist and would be kind enough to pick me up from the airport, I should be getting in on Tuesday at 4:40pm on Virgin Atlantic Flight 15.

I have so many stories to tell. Well, one, really. Here’s the gist of it: my foot hurts, and I am an idiot. Let’s all cross our fingers and hope that I didn’t fracture my right calcaneus. Or talus. Or any of them really.

In case anyone is curious, I am still alive.

And here is a link so I can access my email

hopefully it will in scotland.

I still haven’t accomplished anything. Dan’s mockery didn’t make me any stronger. I’m supposed to have fixed up a drawing my brother made for a tattoo and sent it back to him. I’ve worked on it, but I should have been done two months ago. It is my hypothesis that not having completed this prevents me from working on my own stuff. So you’d think I would just finish the thing and move on.

I’m leaving for Scotland in sixteen days.

Grossly unprepared.

Today’s question: Does writing about not accomplishing anything constitute accomplishing something?

When you can’t finish a post about being unable to finish a post, it is a sad state of affairs.

So I installed this blog software 14 days ago. I wrote a short post about why I installed the blog software, and after a little while started writing a rather long pseudoessay about why I’m an art major and what the point of all this “summer projects” nonsense is, the path I’ve taken to get where I am, and where I’m hoping to go. I say “pseudoessay” because it started out as just a brief introspective thing and turned into several pages I was actually trying to present in a coherent format. I haven’t done much like that for a while. Anyways, I never finished the pseudoessay and this site sat for 14 days untouched. I didn’t make any drawings other than a few quick sketches. I looked at a few of the anatomy books I have and read some stuff about anatomy online. But mostly I just read random stuff on wikipedia and hung out with my compatriots.

Anyone who even knows this website exists probably has already heard me discuss what I’m about to write about next, but maybe now I’ll contribute it to posterity or something. I keep lists of things I need to do, and there is a fair mix of things I “need to do” and things I just kind of want to do. The first impacts someone else or relates to some deadline or financial matter. The second is more closely aligned with the goals of this site: personal development, curiosity, experimentation, etc. Sometimes an item is both important and interesting; for example, school projects need to be done so I can pretend that my life has some iota of direction. In the unique cases of animation, sculpture, and art classes in general, I might be genuinely interested in what I’m doing. This is pretty convenient, as it is motivating, rewarding, and all sorts of other things that make me feel warm and gooey inside.

The point of this discussion of differentiation between “to do” items is the following: to some degree, a natural prioritization order falls into place. Interesting things and personal projects that don’t affect others or that have to do only with my whimsical curiosities take second place to important items that impact others and have actual deadlines or consequences. I sit down in front of my computer. I have a list in front of me or in my head. I know what is most important to do. I know what items on the list are of secondary importance, but that I actually want to do.

A responsible person would quickly take care of the important items. That’s not me. You might think that I would do the things that I want to do, thereby accomplishing something, and eventually find my way to the items that are “more important” after I have satisfied my curiosities or indulged my fancies. But if I engage in these activities that I actually want to do, I feel guilty or become distracted because I know there are more pressing matters to be dealt with. The solution: don’t do anything on the list. Just read things online. For hours and hours and hours. Rinse and repeat.

So I need some discipline or something. I want to go swimming several (or all) days a week after work, and I told myself I wouldn’t go again until I accomplish something. It’s been a week so far. This is kind of like a threat: “Do what you’re supposed to, or you don’t get to do what you want to do.” Interestingly, this directive lumps some things I want to do (and have promised myself I will do and have decided that it will be in my best interest to do) in with things that I “have to do,” possibly taking the fun and reward out of those things being accomplished. But I’m sure that’s a long way off yet.

One good idea might be to limit my meandering wikipedia reading to 2 hours or so a day.

I’m considering changing my schedule so that I work longer hours 3 days a week; as it is I’m working in the afternoons 4 days a week. It doesn’t really seem like mornings off is enough time to get anything done, especially if I oversleep. And if I get something started, I might look at the clock and say “I only have 2 more hours to work on this; that’s not enough time to really get immersed in it and get much done.”

And finally, the most radical idea: drastically cutting back on the amount of time I hang out with my friends. They probably don’t really like me anyway, so what’s the harm?

So what have I done? I’ve wasted time by writing about how I wasted time instead of writing about wasting time. The boy touched the girl with the flower.

My existence isn’t difficult or painful. It’s just ridiculous.